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Who is the chorus completer !
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The Lounge SongWriting Fever Forums / The Lounge /

Who is the chorus completer !

 
morti meni  
Forums Member
#1 | Posted: 7 Aug 2013 06:00 | Edited by: morti meni
i wrote first line but i don't sure about second line

1-Sun is old, wine is old, know no hearts, share cold
2-.........?


2-to lighten up, the lamp of love, we've got a heart of gold
2-Light's a bold , tending to hold, you've got a heart of gold
2-Time like light, golden & shone, your love's, not to be sold
2-Time like light, golden & shone, your love, is not sold
2-........
Alex Elayda  
Forums Member
#2 | Posted: 25 May 2014 11:09
What about instead of "'we;ve got a heart of gold"
from "To lighten up, the lamp of love..."
make it "To lighten up, the lamp of love, a golden heart that's bold " just a suggestion though (I'm 14)
Carroll Kiphen Male  
Forums Member
#3 | Posted: 25 May 2014 13:26
truth be known wise men know , what is in the soul
morti meni  
Forums Member
#4 | Posted: 26 May 2014 09:14
Thanks Alex & Carroll for your suggestion, I couldn't practice on my song in my home 'cause
they say: classic voice is nice not my voice, therefore I changed & changed lyric

I wrote 1st verse while I was inspired by Edgar Allan Poe

my old verse 1:
the rose in my hand
your shade in my grand
love at your command
you're my pretty brand

then I wrote other verses based on rhythm of 1st verse & finally I put a chorus amid them

Allan Poe's footprint was deleted by me 'cause I wanted to explain the chorus

2nd verse 1:
sun's coins of our life
wine the soul of mine
you, the sea softer than sand
to keep our love alive, I'm at your command

my last verse 1:
sun's gold coins of life
wine the soul of mine
you're the sea of love
let me be at your command

I wrote this chorus 2.5 years ago, my composer 1.5 years ago made music for it

1st chorus :
sun is old, wine is old, never heart gets old
time is gold, love is gold, thy light is not sold


( in Persian lyrics we can break grammar freely but in English it's impossible

many people told me "thy" is old fashion, "sold " is not romantic word & "never heart" is wrong & I must write "heart never"

well, I had to change it & I wrote "know no hearts" instead of "heart never" to keep rhythm

2nd chorus:
Sun is old, wine is old, know no hearts, share cold
time like light, golden & shone, your love is not sold


last chorus :
Sun is old, wine is old, know no hearts, share cold
love is light, in my heart, your love never gets old


well, it is a wrong slogan 'cause dictators' heart share cold


1st demo:

http://www.aimini.net/view/?fid=5u7yIorUZAxS4xbaBbUS


Last demo: (2013-12-07)

http://www.aimini.net/view/?fid=vwosDXnQg4lQW0BasmDk
Kirk Bernhardt  
Forums Member
#5 | Posted: 21 Jun 2014 07:12 | Edited by: Kirk Bernhardt
morti meni:
1-Sun is old, wine is old, know no hearts, share cold

2-I didn't musta known you then but if this is your deal then I'm gonna fold!
morti meni  
Forums Member
#6 | Posted: 23 Jun 2014 04:15
Hi there, the demo of my song is here:
what is your opinion about the lyric & my pronunciation?
http://www.songwritingfever.com/material/music/download.php?file=1316
Kirk Bernhardt  
Forums Member
#7 | Posted: 23 Jun 2014 05:46
the lyrics are pleasant but vague
i try to omit flowery language for clarity
but you're going for something ambient in tone?
i think it's pretty good sounding
keep working - you have something to offer
morti meni  
Forums Member
#8 | Posted: 23 Jun 2014 11:56
Thank you dear Kirk for your comments, you 're right, it's vague.
I wanna keep music but my word is limited by music

Chorus :
Sun is old, wine is old, know no I'm, so cold
love is light, in your heart, your love never gets old
 
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