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Warning: date() [function.date]: It is not safe to rely on the system's timezone settings. You are *required* to use the date.timezone setting or the date_default_timezone_set() function. In case you used any of those methods and you are still getting this warning, you most likely misspelled the timezone identifier. We selected 'America/Los_Angeles' for 'PDT/-7.0/DST' instead in /home/songwr5/public_html/forum/bb_functions.php on line 142

Warning: date() [function.date]: It is not safe to rely on the system's timezone settings. You are *required* to use the date.timezone setting or the date_default_timezone_set() function. In case you used any of those methods and you are still getting this warning, you most likely misspelled the timezone identifier. We selected 'America/Los_Angeles' for 'PDT/-7.0/DST' instead in /home/songwr5/public_html/forum/bb_functions.php on line 142

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Warning: date() [function.date]: It is not safe to rely on the system's timezone settings. You are *required* to use the date.timezone setting or the date_default_timezone_set() function. In case you used any of those methods and you are still getting this warning, you most likely misspelled the timezone identifier. We selected 'America/Los_Angeles' for 'PDT/-7.0/DST' instead in /home/songwr5/public_html/forum/bb_functions.php on line 142

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song that im busy writing needs some feedback :)
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Songwriting Collaboration Request SongWriting Fever Forums / Songwriting Collaboration Request /

song that im busy writing needs some feedback :)

 
Danica De Jongh  
Forums Member
#1 | Posted: 6 Aug 2014 02:28
hi, im looking 4 some feedback on a song im busy writing, it's nearly done. The song is titled 'After The Fall'. I also wanna know if anyone can/could relate to this song, it's about falling out of love and it's a bit of a sad song...

(verse 1)
Speechless, held back by my shadow,
how do i let you know?, i guess you'll never know.
Blinded, staring out of the window,
angers filling my soul, it's filling up my soul.

(pre-chorus)
Used to let your name roll off my tongue,
used let it be a word like love,
used to raise me far above.
Now it is a weight for down,
something missing someone's found,
that voice is screaming your name loud.

(chorus)
But now it hurts to hear your name,
changed so fast sunshine to rain,
here, this is now after the fall.
It gets worse by the day,
it gets harder to explain,
and here, this is now after the fall,
after the fall...

(verse 2)
Waterfall, flowed into fire,
i guess it went that way, 'twas meant to go that way.
Calling, for someone to answer,
but there's nothing left to say, there's nothing more to say.

(pre-chorus)

(chorus)
...

As i said im still working on it, i just need feedback, and possibly to let me know if you can/could relate to this song. Thanks much and have a nice day!!!
Branden Floyd  
Forums Member
#2 | Posted: 6 Aug 2014 03:41
This isnt bad at all! :D I like the lyrics you chose.
I can relate to the song alittle bit actually. Falling in love then getting your hart broken after the one you love finds someone else sucks.
Danica De Jongh  
Forums Member
#3 | Posted: 6 Aug 2014 07:54
Branden Floyd
thanks so much! And thanks 4 sharing! I know how you feel...
Robert William Gruhn  
Forums Member
#4 | Posted: 6 Aug 2014 10:11
(pre-chorus)
Used to let your name roll off my tongue,
used let it be a word like love,
used to raise me far above.
Now it is a weight for down,
something missing someone's found,
that voice is screaming your name loud.


My version:

Your name would roll off my tongue,
To me it was a word like love,
It used to raise me far above,
Now it's an anchor holding me down,
Something missing, now someone's found,
That voice screaming your name out loud.

Just my personal take!!

Keep writing! ;)))

Robert William Gruhn
Danica De Jongh  
Forums Member
#5 | Posted: 6 Aug 2014 12:27
Robert William Gruhn
thanks but the line's syllables r too long for it. But thanks anyway!
Robert William Gruhn  
Forums Member
#6 | Posted: 6 Aug 2014 14:26
No problem, others I have written with agreed with my version
being improvement, but you really need to work on your
wording and tempo! Constructive criticism is vital to becoming
a good writer!
Emily  
Forums Member
#7 | Posted: 8 Aug 2014 13:49
Danica De Jongh
I really liked the lyrics, actually, I wish that I could write somewhat like that. Although, unfortunately I cannot. As I read it I sang it in my head with a great melody.
Danica De Jongh  
Forums Member
#8 | Posted: 8 Aug 2014 22:59
Emily
thank you so much, ur so sweet
all you need to do is practice, then you'll get more used to it. The main struggle i think is - conveying emotion, so just practice and you'll do good!!!
 
Songwriting Collaboration Request SongWriting Fever Forums / Songwriting Collaboration Request / song that im busy writing needs some feedback :) Top
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